More waffling on

Well, its been a while and so much as happened since my last post. I didn't plan for this blog to be somewhere that I would rant on about something but judging by the way I've been feeling lately I reckon you should get comfortable.



Where to start???? There have been quite a few developments on a lot of the things I mention in the last post so I want to cover all of them.



Okay, I said myself and my hubby where looking into adopting a child. Initially we just looked online to see what our chances were (this was maybe about a year ago). We looked hard and thought from our findings that it looked good. The only thing standing in our way to start applying to adopt was money. We were very excited about this. The thing is though, that we both are incredibly home sick. We want to go home asap. If we do go home it means giving up on our dream of being parents because gay couples cant adopt in Ireland. We decided to stay a bit longer because the recession has hit Ireland like a Tsunami. Its better if we stay where we both have relatively secure jobs so we can save up enough money to start our family. We said we'll try set the ball rolling after Christmas (08).



We went home for 2 weeks at Christmas and had a ball. We alternated between staying in my sister's house and staying in my hubby's parents' house. Every year we swap where we stay on Christmas Eve and where we are Christmas night. Since being in London and mainly because of the bust up over 2 years ago we have been staying in my hubby's Christmas Eve and going to my sister's Christmas night. There's usually drinks in my mother's that night but with all the shit going on with my siblings I knew the best place to be would be my sister's that night. While in my sister's I wanted to be with my parents as well but this was not an option so I popped across the road to my parent's house with my hubby. my brother that I haven't spoken to in 2 years was there with his wife and kids. I shit myself when I saw him but braved it up. I played with his kids while he played his Nintendo ds in the kitchen on his own all night. I really felt for the first time ever that I was so much stronger than him. As the night went on we passed each other with ease and even offered each other drinks. After an hour or two I decided to go back to my sister's. my brother asked if i was leaving, looked at me, threw his arms out for a hug and I accepted gratefully. I left with tears in my eyes but they were very different tears than the last time I left his company. I felt a huge relief. I ran into him quite a bit over Christmas and although we didn't say much more to each other we knew things were going to be okay.



We left home in the knowledge that we were going back to London to make plans to adopt. So here's what has happened so far. We came back to London also in the knowledge that we would be moving flat to be closer to my work. A lot of time was spent online looking for flats and finding out as much about adoption as we could. Once we found our new flat and settled in we went to an information evening at an adoption agency. It was very informative about the whole process. a lot we already knew and a lot we didn't. We got talking to a social worker. She told us many thing but one stood out like a very sore thumb. She said that we wouldn't properly be considered if we didn't have a support network. We don't have a proper network over here. We have friends of course but they are mainly workmates, not the family support network that they would be looking for. We came home on the train exhausted with dampened spirits. We talked about our options, about how we both want to go home to our already very wide family support network, about surrogacy and pretty much every apart from kidnapping. We looked into adopting in Northern Ireland where we would be a half hour drive from family and still in the UK but after more and more searching we found out that gay adoption is not legal in Northern Ireland. Our hopes dashed we needed a break from all this so we stopped researching adoption fro a while.

Weeks went on and we got more and more home sick. I was fed up here in London and so was my hubby so we said we'd look fro jobs back home and see how things pan out. While looking for jobs I got side tracked into looking back into the adoption process. As if he were reading my mind, so was my hubby. He has signed us up for a support group for gay and lesbian couples looking to adopt. If all goes well, we may be able to use these people as a support network. Of course we need to meet up with them and develop friendships but please god things will work out. If not we can go home where we want to be so badly.

It's not that London is terrible or even bad. We have met some lovely people that I can call dear friends over here. We have jobs that we love. We have a nice flat in a nice area. It's not home though. Since being here, my sister has given birth to a beautiful girl who is now nearly 2. We have missed out on so much of her growing up as well as all my other nieces and nephews. My eldest brother has been going through a very hard time which is taking its toll on my parents. They are both very worried about him. Which in turn makes me worry about him and also the effect it has on them. Each time I go home I notice my parent getting old which makes me want to go home even more. My hubby's Grandad has developed Alzheimer's and is now in a home. He split is head recently so My hubby is worried about him. My sister's hubby's father died recently so her family are all heart broken. Our hearts break for them. Our hearts so wants to be with them to hold them and at least feel like we can do something. We barely have 2 pennies to scrape together so we cant afford to go home right now. We are both at such a loss at what to do with ourselves.

My hubby is having a rough time of late too. He's been out of work for a while and although he's back to working now, it's not the jobs he wants to be doing. He works so hard fro what he does. He has always said that you can get what you want if you work hard enough but lately he has stopped believing that. Nobody works harder than he does when he puts his heart and soul into something and when you do that for so long to come out with very little you think whats the point. I totally understand where he's coming from. All I can do is be there fro him. We'll get through this together like we always do.

So yeah, We want to go home and we want kids of our own. We cant have both. At least not at this time. This ranting thing does work. I was sobbing my heart out before I started and now I can properly start to think about everything with a clear head. I hope all my blog entries wont be like this.