Well, its been a while and so much as happened since my last post. I didn't plan for this blog to be somewhere that I would rant on about something but judging by the way I've been feeling lately I reckon you should get comfortable.
Where to start???? There have been quite a few developments on a lot of the things I mention in the last post so I want to cover all of them.
Okay, I said myself and my hubby where looking into adopting a child. Initially we just looked online to see what our chances were (this was maybe about a year ago). We looked hard and thought from our findings that it looked good. The only thing standing in our way to start applying to adopt was money. We were very excited about this. The thing is though, that we both are incredibly home sick. We want to go home asap. If we do go home it means giving up on our dream of being parents because gay couples cant adopt in Ireland. We decided to stay a bit longer because the recession has hit Ireland like a Tsunami. Its better if we stay where we both have relatively secure jobs so we can save up enough money to start our family. We said we'll try set the ball rolling after Christmas (08).
We went home for 2 weeks at Christmas and had a ball. We alternated between staying in my sister's house and staying in my hubby's parents' house. Every year we swap where we stay on Christmas Eve and where we are Christmas night. Since being in London and mainly because of the bust up over 2 years ago we have been staying in my hubby's Christmas Eve and going to my sister's Christmas night. There's usually drinks in my mother's that night but with all the shit going on with my siblings I knew the best place to be would be my sister's that night. While in my sister's I wanted to be with my parents as well but this was not an option so I popped across the road to my parent's house with my hubby. my brother that I haven't spoken to in 2 years was there with his wife and kids. I shit myself when I saw him but braved it up. I played with his kids while he played his Nintendo ds in the kitchen on his own all night. I really felt for the first time ever that I was so much stronger than him. As the night went on we passed each other with ease and even offered each other drinks. After an hour or two I decided to go back to my sister's. my brother asked if i was leaving, looked at me, threw his arms out for a hug and I accepted gratefully. I left with tears in my eyes but they were very different tears than the last time I left his company. I felt a huge relief. I ran into him quite a bit over Christmas and although we didn't say much more to each other we knew things were going to be okay.
We left home in the knowledge that we were going back to London to make plans to adopt. So here's what has happened so far. We came back to London also in the knowledge that we would be moving flat to be closer to my work. A lot of time was spent online looking for flats and finding out as much about adoption as we could. Once we found our new flat and settled in we went to an information evening at an adoption agency. It was very informative about the whole process. a lot we already knew and a lot we didn't. We got talking to a social worker. She told us many thing but one stood out like a very sore thumb. She said that we wouldn't properly be considered if we didn't have a support network. We don't have a proper network over here. We have friends of course but they are mainly workmates, not the family support network that they would be looking for. We came home on the train exhausted with dampened spirits. We talked about our options, about how we both want to go home to our already very wide family support network, about surrogacy and pretty much every apart from kidnapping. We looked into adopting in Northern Ireland where we would be a half hour drive from family and still in the UK but after more and more searching we found out that gay adoption is not legal in Northern Ireland. Our hopes dashed we needed a break from all this so we stopped researching adoption fro a while.
Weeks went on and we got more and more home sick. I was fed up here in London and so was my hubby so we said we'd look fro jobs back home and see how things pan out. While looking for jobs I got side tracked into looking back into the adoption process. As if he were reading my mind, so was my hubby. He has signed us up for a support group for gay and lesbian couples looking to adopt. If all goes well, we may be able to use these people as a support network. Of course we need to meet up with them and develop friendships but please god things will work out. If not we can go home where we want to be so badly.
It's not that London is terrible or even bad. We have met some lovely people that I can call dear friends over here. We have jobs that we love. We have a nice flat in a nice area. It's not home though. Since being here, my sister has given birth to a beautiful girl who is now nearly 2. We have missed out on so much of her growing up as well as all my other nieces and nephews. My eldest brother has been going through a very hard time which is taking its toll on my parents. They are both very worried about him. Which in turn makes me worry about him and also the effect it has on them. Each time I go home I notice my parent getting old which makes me want to go home even more. My hubby's Grandad has developed Alzheimer's and is now in a home. He split is head recently so My hubby is worried about him. My sister's hubby's father died recently so her family are all heart broken. Our hearts break for them. Our hearts so wants to be with them to hold them and at least feel like we can do something. We barely have 2 pennies to scrape together so we cant afford to go home right now. We are both at such a loss at what to do with ourselves.
My hubby is having a rough time of late too. He's been out of work for a while and although he's back to working now, it's not the jobs he wants to be doing. He works so hard fro what he does. He has always said that you can get what you want if you work hard enough but lately he has stopped believing that. Nobody works harder than he does when he puts his heart and soul into something and when you do that for so long to come out with very little you think whats the point. I totally understand where he's coming from. All I can do is be there fro him. We'll get through this together like we always do.
So yeah, We want to go home and we want kids of our own. We cant have both. At least not at this time. This ranting thing does work. I was sobbing my heart out before I started and now I can properly start to think about everything with a clear head. I hope all my blog entries wont be like this.
Sunday 27 September 2009
Monday 18 May 2009
All about B
Well, this is it. My blog cherry finally popped. How do I start writing a blog and what do i say? Why did I decide to write a blog? Well my sister started to write a blog not so very long ago and I loved it. So now I'm jumping on the band wagon and doing what most little gay brothers do and try be a bit more like my sister.
I want to be able to say things here that I may not say in person. Not that I'm deliberately holding back but there are things that i think and feel about that I don't always get a chance to say but the thoughts and feelings are there none the less. On this blog I hope to write the things that are on the top my my mind and don't want to get into writing just for the sake of it. I am doing this for myself and nobody else except maybe my future children which I wanna talk about but before I do I think I should fill you in a bit more about myself.
I have 3 brothers that i love but we're not as close as we probably should be and 1 sister who is my own personal holy trinity (sister, mother and best friend). There is also my mother and father. I'm the youngest member of this family. We have always been a close family until recently (I might get into this later but not now). Being the youngest I always craved a younger brother or sister to look after. When playing house as a child I was always a parent( I was always mammy if I'm honest). It wasn't until my sister gave birth to my first nephew and made me Godfather that I finally got what I wanted. All my brothers followed suit and had sons and daughters of their own and my sister had some more too. I found myself wanting the same thing so I dated and fell in love with a girl I'd played house with as a child. I confess that I had a feeling I might have been gay before I dated her but because I had such strong feelings for her I thought that I'm obviously not gay. I was with her for a while but ultimately I found myself fantasising about guys. I decided to myself that I was gay and I couldn't stay with her. I didn't tell her I was gay til much later but i broke up with still. I broke my own heart and hers that day. A few months later I came out to a good friend of mine and I felt like a weight had been lifted. This spurred me on to tell my family and they supported me greatly. During this time I felt incredibly lonely. Its not like I could walk up to a guy in a bar and start chatting him up. I would have gotten a few bones broken. I didn't know how or where to start dating guys. I got talking to a couple of lesbian friends and they brought me to a gay disco that runs once a month in a function room in a local hotel. I went and I met a lovely guy. I went home on my own that night and could not stop thinking about the guy I had met. When leaving each other we arranged to get each others numbers from our mutual friends. I couldn't stop thinking about this guy the whole weekend. Monday came and he hadn't rang. I was going a bit crazy. Why hadn't he rang? When I think back its cringe worthy. The next day I found his number and bit the bullet, I rang him. We arranged to meet the following Saturday. We spoke everyday on the phone between then and that Saturday. We met and had a great time. We met up most weekends after that and fell head over heels in love with each other. After a few years of being on and off we we ended up living together. We both expected the more to be stressful and thought we'd kill each other but we didn't. Our love for each other grew and grew. 5 years after the night we met to the day he asked me to marry him. We both knew that marriage wouldn't be possible for us in the near future with gay marriage not being legal in Ireland or the UK at that time but it was more of a symbol of commitment anyway. We spent 2 1/2 more years living together, our love growing more everyday. Gay marriage had just been made legal in the UK a few months so we decided to look into it. As soon as we started looking a date was set, we were to be married in Northern Ireland 3 days before the 8th anniversary of the day we met. During the time between setting the date and the wedding itself all hell broke loose. I had a blazing row with my next youngest brother Christmas night. I have never got on well with this brother and found it very hard to like him as a person. He bullied me a lot as a child and he was very hot tempered in all the years I've known him. On this night however I stood up for myself. There was a big row, the fists were out but thankfully nobody was 'physically' hurt. I left the scene shaken and miserable. My husband to be followed and looked after me. My sister followed then and we had a post mortem of what had just happened. My brother and I stopped talking to one another until I sent him a forwarded text message on new years eve about family and forgiveness. I didn't get a reply. His daughter fell ill and I rang him with no answer, I texted to see how is daughter was but no answer. This hurt and I didn't know what to do to sort things out. Because of his hot temper and him being a bully I was not brave enough to speak to him face to face so I phoned and texted a few times. At any other time I would probably given up after new years but I was getting married in a few weeks, I wanted him there and I didn't want this feud to continue so I tried some more to no avail. 4 days before my wedding my sister rang to say my Granny of 97 who I loved so much had taken ill and probably wouldn't make it through the night. I was devastated. She made it through the night and kind got a bit better. It was a highly emotional time and some things are a bit blurred. I thought about postponing the wedding but everyone said not to because Granny wouldn't want me to so We went ahead with the wedding. I visited Granny in hospital the night before. I spent a wonderful time with her even though she was not herself and very sick. Saying goodbye to her was very hard because I didn't know if I'd see her again. I said goodbye, walked out of the hospital to he car park, into my car and all my bravery vanished. Tears streamed my face and before knew it I was sobbing loudly and was driving home blind with the tears on my face. I ran in the door to my husband-to-be's arms. I shook myself off and got ready to marry my honey in the morning. Had a great night in the soon to be in-laws house with my sister and went home to my parents house. We spoke about the next day, my mother saying that she'd be at the ceremony but leave to spend the last moments of her mothers life. I told her to be with Granny so she said she'd see in the morning. Morning came and Granny was worse. I told Mam to stay with Granny so she did. I left to get married. The day kicked off, and I met my love at 10 o clock. At 1 we were married. We went back to a hotel function room all kitted out with our close friends and family. My mother arrived for the meal. The meal went well and speeches followed. My mother got called away as the last speech was read. I followed her and she explained that Granny was fading away. Dad stayed at the wedding. 1 hour later I called Dad aside and he said my dear Granny had passed away. I ran to my now husband, eloped to our room to cry in each others arms. We then brushed ourselves off and decided that it was an honour to share a day with such an wonderful lady. I felt her with me the whole day. The wedding celebrations continued and everyone went above and beyond to make this our very special day. It was the best day of my life so far. After the wedding stuff was over, married life began. We made plans to move to London. We moved to London. We've been living in London for the last 2 years. We've talked about adopting a child but haven't mustered up the courage to much else. I think about having a child every single day. I have done for at least the last 3 years. It is definitely something I've wanted for as long as I can remember. I'm stopping here because I'm hoping I will have a lot more to say on this subject over the next few years.
I've just realised how much I've written. I didn't think I'd that much to say.
I want to be able to say things here that I may not say in person. Not that I'm deliberately holding back but there are things that i think and feel about that I don't always get a chance to say but the thoughts and feelings are there none the less. On this blog I hope to write the things that are on the top my my mind and don't want to get into writing just for the sake of it. I am doing this for myself and nobody else except maybe my future children which I wanna talk about but before I do I think I should fill you in a bit more about myself.
I have 3 brothers that i love but we're not as close as we probably should be and 1 sister who is my own personal holy trinity (sister, mother and best friend). There is also my mother and father. I'm the youngest member of this family. We have always been a close family until recently (I might get into this later but not now). Being the youngest I always craved a younger brother or sister to look after. When playing house as a child I was always a parent( I was always mammy if I'm honest). It wasn't until my sister gave birth to my first nephew and made me Godfather that I finally got what I wanted. All my brothers followed suit and had sons and daughters of their own and my sister had some more too. I found myself wanting the same thing so I dated and fell in love with a girl I'd played house with as a child. I confess that I had a feeling I might have been gay before I dated her but because I had such strong feelings for her I thought that I'm obviously not gay. I was with her for a while but ultimately I found myself fantasising about guys. I decided to myself that I was gay and I couldn't stay with her. I didn't tell her I was gay til much later but i broke up with still. I broke my own heart and hers that day. A few months later I came out to a good friend of mine and I felt like a weight had been lifted. This spurred me on to tell my family and they supported me greatly. During this time I felt incredibly lonely. Its not like I could walk up to a guy in a bar and start chatting him up. I would have gotten a few bones broken. I didn't know how or where to start dating guys. I got talking to a couple of lesbian friends and they brought me to a gay disco that runs once a month in a function room in a local hotel. I went and I met a lovely guy. I went home on my own that night and could not stop thinking about the guy I had met. When leaving each other we arranged to get each others numbers from our mutual friends. I couldn't stop thinking about this guy the whole weekend. Monday came and he hadn't rang. I was going a bit crazy. Why hadn't he rang? When I think back its cringe worthy. The next day I found his number and bit the bullet, I rang him. We arranged to meet the following Saturday. We spoke everyday on the phone between then and that Saturday. We met and had a great time. We met up most weekends after that and fell head over heels in love with each other. After a few years of being on and off we we ended up living together. We both expected the more to be stressful and thought we'd kill each other but we didn't. Our love for each other grew and grew. 5 years after the night we met to the day he asked me to marry him. We both knew that marriage wouldn't be possible for us in the near future with gay marriage not being legal in Ireland or the UK at that time but it was more of a symbol of commitment anyway. We spent 2 1/2 more years living together, our love growing more everyday. Gay marriage had just been made legal in the UK a few months so we decided to look into it. As soon as we started looking a date was set, we were to be married in Northern Ireland 3 days before the 8th anniversary of the day we met. During the time between setting the date and the wedding itself all hell broke loose. I had a blazing row with my next youngest brother Christmas night. I have never got on well with this brother and found it very hard to like him as a person. He bullied me a lot as a child and he was very hot tempered in all the years I've known him. On this night however I stood up for myself. There was a big row, the fists were out but thankfully nobody was 'physically' hurt. I left the scene shaken and miserable. My husband to be followed and looked after me. My sister followed then and we had a post mortem of what had just happened. My brother and I stopped talking to one another until I sent him a forwarded text message on new years eve about family and forgiveness. I didn't get a reply. His daughter fell ill and I rang him with no answer, I texted to see how is daughter was but no answer. This hurt and I didn't know what to do to sort things out. Because of his hot temper and him being a bully I was not brave enough to speak to him face to face so I phoned and texted a few times. At any other time I would probably given up after new years but I was getting married in a few weeks, I wanted him there and I didn't want this feud to continue so I tried some more to no avail. 4 days before my wedding my sister rang to say my Granny of 97 who I loved so much had taken ill and probably wouldn't make it through the night. I was devastated. She made it through the night and kind got a bit better. It was a highly emotional time and some things are a bit blurred. I thought about postponing the wedding but everyone said not to because Granny wouldn't want me to so We went ahead with the wedding. I visited Granny in hospital the night before. I spent a wonderful time with her even though she was not herself and very sick. Saying goodbye to her was very hard because I didn't know if I'd see her again. I said goodbye, walked out of the hospital to he car park, into my car and all my bravery vanished. Tears streamed my face and before knew it I was sobbing loudly and was driving home blind with the tears on my face. I ran in the door to my husband-to-be's arms. I shook myself off and got ready to marry my honey in the morning. Had a great night in the soon to be in-laws house with my sister and went home to my parents house. We spoke about the next day, my mother saying that she'd be at the ceremony but leave to spend the last moments of her mothers life. I told her to be with Granny so she said she'd see in the morning. Morning came and Granny was worse. I told Mam to stay with Granny so she did. I left to get married. The day kicked off, and I met my love at 10 o clock. At 1 we were married. We went back to a hotel function room all kitted out with our close friends and family. My mother arrived for the meal. The meal went well and speeches followed. My mother got called away as the last speech was read. I followed her and she explained that Granny was fading away. Dad stayed at the wedding. 1 hour later I called Dad aside and he said my dear Granny had passed away. I ran to my now husband, eloped to our room to cry in each others arms. We then brushed ourselves off and decided that it was an honour to share a day with such an wonderful lady. I felt her with me the whole day. The wedding celebrations continued and everyone went above and beyond to make this our very special day. It was the best day of my life so far. After the wedding stuff was over, married life began. We made plans to move to London. We moved to London. We've been living in London for the last 2 years. We've talked about adopting a child but haven't mustered up the courage to much else. I think about having a child every single day. I have done for at least the last 3 years. It is definitely something I've wanted for as long as I can remember. I'm stopping here because I'm hoping I will have a lot more to say on this subject over the next few years.
I've just realised how much I've written. I didn't think I'd that much to say.
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