Well, this is it. My blog cherry finally popped. How do I start writing a blog and what do i say? Why did I decide to write a blog? Well my sister started to write a blog not so very long ago and I loved it. So now I'm jumping on the band wagon and doing what most little gay brothers do and try be a bit more like my sister.
I want to be able to say things here that I may not say in person. Not that I'm deliberately holding back but there are things that i think and feel about that I don't always get a chance to say but the thoughts and feelings are there none the less. On this blog I hope to write the things that are on the top my my mind and don't want to get into writing just for the sake of it. I am doing this for myself and nobody else except maybe my future children which I wanna talk about but before I do I think I should fill you in a bit more about myself.
I have 3 brothers that i love but we're not as close as we probably should be and 1 sister who is my own personal holy trinity (sister, mother and best friend). There is also my mother and father. I'm the youngest member of this family. We have always been a close family until recently (I might get into this later but not now). Being the youngest I always craved a younger brother or sister to look after. When playing house as a child I was always a parent( I was always mammy if I'm honest). It wasn't until my sister gave birth to my first nephew and made me Godfather that I finally got what I wanted. All my brothers followed suit and had sons and daughters of their own and my sister had some more too. I found myself wanting the same thing so I dated and fell in love with a girl I'd played house with as a child. I confess that I had a feeling I might have been gay before I dated her but because I had such strong feelings for her I thought that I'm obviously not gay. I was with her for a while but ultimately I found myself fantasising about guys. I decided to myself that I was gay and I couldn't stay with her. I didn't tell her I was gay til much later but i broke up with still. I broke my own heart and hers that day. A few months later I came out to a good friend of mine and I felt like a weight had been lifted. This spurred me on to tell my family and they supported me greatly. During this time I felt incredibly lonely. Its not like I could walk up to a guy in a bar and start chatting him up. I would have gotten a few bones broken. I didn't know how or where to start dating guys. I got talking to a couple of lesbian friends and they brought me to a gay disco that runs once a month in a function room in a local hotel. I went and I met a lovely guy. I went home on my own that night and could not stop thinking about the guy I had met. When leaving each other we arranged to get each others numbers from our mutual friends. I couldn't stop thinking about this guy the whole weekend. Monday came and he hadn't rang. I was going a bit crazy. Why hadn't he rang? When I think back its cringe worthy. The next day I found his number and bit the bullet, I rang him. We arranged to meet the following Saturday. We spoke everyday on the phone between then and that Saturday. We met and had a great time. We met up most weekends after that and fell head over heels in love with each other. After a few years of being on and off we we ended up living together. We both expected the more to be stressful and thought we'd kill each other but we didn't. Our love for each other grew and grew. 5 years after the night we met to the day he asked me to marry him. We both knew that marriage wouldn't be possible for us in the near future with gay marriage not being legal in Ireland or the UK at that time but it was more of a symbol of commitment anyway. We spent 2 1/2 more years living together, our love growing more everyday. Gay marriage had just been made legal in the UK a few months so we decided to look into it. As soon as we started looking a date was set, we were to be married in Northern Ireland 3 days before the 8th anniversary of the day we met. During the time between setting the date and the wedding itself all hell broke loose. I had a blazing row with my next youngest brother Christmas night. I have never got on well with this brother and found it very hard to like him as a person. He bullied me a lot as a child and he was very hot tempered in all the years I've known him. On this night however I stood up for myself. There was a big row, the fists were out but thankfully nobody was 'physically' hurt. I left the scene shaken and miserable. My husband to be followed and looked after me. My sister followed then and we had a post mortem of what had just happened. My brother and I stopped talking to one another until I sent him a forwarded text message on new years eve about family and forgiveness. I didn't get a reply. His daughter fell ill and I rang him with no answer, I texted to see how is daughter was but no answer. This hurt and I didn't know what to do to sort things out. Because of his hot temper and him being a bully I was not brave enough to speak to him face to face so I phoned and texted a few times. At any other time I would probably given up after new years but I was getting married in a few weeks, I wanted him there and I didn't want this feud to continue so I tried some more to no avail. 4 days before my wedding my sister rang to say my Granny of 97 who I loved so much had taken ill and probably wouldn't make it through the night. I was devastated. She made it through the night and kind got a bit better. It was a highly emotional time and some things are a bit blurred. I thought about postponing the wedding but everyone said not to because Granny wouldn't want me to so We went ahead with the wedding. I visited Granny in hospital the night before. I spent a wonderful time with her even though she was not herself and very sick. Saying goodbye to her was very hard because I didn't know if I'd see her again. I said goodbye, walked out of the hospital to he car park, into my car and all my bravery vanished. Tears streamed my face and before knew it I was sobbing loudly and was driving home blind with the tears on my face. I ran in the door to my husband-to-be's arms. I shook myself off and got ready to marry my honey in the morning. Had a great night in the soon to be in-laws house with my sister and went home to my parents house. We spoke about the next day, my mother saying that she'd be at the ceremony but leave to spend the last moments of her mothers life. I told her to be with Granny so she said she'd see in the morning. Morning came and Granny was worse. I told Mam to stay with Granny so she did. I left to get married. The day kicked off, and I met my love at 10 o clock. At 1 we were married. We went back to a hotel function room all kitted out with our close friends and family. My mother arrived for the meal. The meal went well and speeches followed. My mother got called away as the last speech was read. I followed her and she explained that Granny was fading away. Dad stayed at the wedding. 1 hour later I called Dad aside and he said my dear Granny had passed away. I ran to my now husband, eloped to our room to cry in each others arms. We then brushed ourselves off and decided that it was an honour to share a day with such an wonderful lady. I felt her with me the whole day. The wedding celebrations continued and everyone went above and beyond to make this our very special day. It was the best day of my life so far. After the wedding stuff was over, married life began. We made plans to move to London. We moved to London. We've been living in London for the last 2 years. We've talked about adopting a child but haven't mustered up the courage to much else. I think about having a child every single day. I have done for at least the last 3 years. It is definitely something I've wanted for as long as I can remember. I'm stopping here because I'm hoping I will have a lot more to say on this subject over the next few years.
I've just realised how much I've written. I didn't think I'd that much to say.
